Little pink roses enchanted my eyes,
Mouths perfectly formed, their necks stretched in hope,
Convinced that they could reach the oak tree's highs
Despite each turn of the kaleidoscope.
But their fairytale world turned blurred and sharp.
Heady elation led to the abyss,
And they ignored how the passers-by harped;
"Only a short-lived joy can stem from this."
They key to success is to not look down
As you may not like what's been left behind.
Indeed, little rose-heads creased up with frowns
On seeing each fang to which they'd been blind.
The well of the self is temptingly deep.
There are reasons for the secrets it keeps.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
This world needs more poems like this. I could really feel the elated joy behind each word. I loved how you seemed to gaze into the deeper reaches of everything. Great job. Keep it up.
I'm not an expert on poetry by any means, but I didn't think it was as iffy as the others think. The meaning wasn't totally clear but it came off a lyrical and pretty and some of the descriptions I thought were clever.
I particularly like the first four lines. They struck me as really...I don't know how to word this.. fresh? Like, cold, but in a clear way? I'm not making sense, but I did enjoy the visual.
I like this very much!
specially the end!!
You should make it longer
you should talk about them, what they do, what thwy see, what they feel, that would be wonderfull, I liked it very very much
bye
bye...
I'm terrible with poetry, so my words don't carry much weight, but hey.
I agree with Brad and Colleen that it's kind of... iffy. And they know what they're talking about more than I do. This is preaching. No one likes to be preached to. But on the plus side, I did like the flower imagery (even though I'm allergic... sorry, I'll cut the bad jokes. xD) but I think you could have done a bit better with it.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
(and a wonderful sheep!)
I applaud you for taking on the challenging form that is the sonnet, but I agree with Brad in that it wasn't done brilliantly. I think you need to weed out (ha, ha...) its excess parts; get down to the bare bones of this poem. Only say what you truly need to say.
Great start!
-Colleen
Jasmine Hart,
There might be a salvageable idea here if you clear up the debris of a poor execution. What I can make out is a decently worded bland story about gardens and identity--not the most unique combination, but maybe you've done something here. I can't tell for the bizarre insertion of images involving kaleidoscopes, passers-by, and the emergence of a "you" three-fourths of the way through the piece.
Best,
Brad
I like this.
I really liked how you described the uprising of the flower, a rose in this case, and then also the downfall when it slowly begins to wilt, but the last three lines did confuse me a little.
I can tell that there is a deeper meaning to this that just the life of a rose bush, but I'm not sure what it is... but that's obviously 'cause I'm a little dumb. =]
I particularly enjoyed line three and also the referal to the 'turn of the kaleidoscope'. I'm not sure why, but to me that added a retro feel to this poem. Whether you think that is a good or a bad thing, I don't know, but I liked it.
Good work. ^^